Purge

My Inbox is swallowing me alive. I used to pride myself on having no more emails in my Inbox than I could see on one screen. In the last few weeks, however, it has gotten completely out of control for reasons that are still unclear. I've been filing things away in my "blog to do" folder for that elusive day when I have time to blog. So, I'm just going to purge and link to a lot of things here that you may or may not find interesting. Or may or may not have time to read (I'm voting on "may not" - you won't hurt my feelings). Is it bad that cleaning out my Inbox feels like cleaning up my  house?

So, some reading for your relaxing Labor Day weekend plans at the pool. Wait ... are you doing that? Take me along.

What Should a 4-Year-Old Know: I think this is kind of viral on the Facebook, but was timely for me as I'm trying to restrain myself from worrying about Kindergarten ONE YEAR AWAY. (And also, a few concrete guidelines that help reign in my craziness).

Why I Am The Perfect Mother. God bless "average".

Child Safety: Stranger Danger Warning Needs Updating - I know I've posted about this before, but it is a conversation I need to keep having with Ellen. I like the ideas about teaching safety as a value, just like kindness and honesty and whatever else. Also, adding "Did anything happen today to make you feel uncomfortable?" to your standard questions about the day. And teaching about acceptable strangers.

"If my son wanted to dance, I would kill myself" - can't remember where I came across this, but nice story about celebrating the interests of your children.

Similarly, How Do You Teach The Beauty of Different - good tips.

The Last Time - also went kind of viral, but sweet and tear-inducing. I find myself compulsively documenting Georgia's sweet quirks these days, knowing that in the midst of all these developmental milestones, so many things will fall by the wayside.

How To Teach Kids To Say Sorry - We haven't really used "time out" for Ellen in years. On rare occasion when she is out of control, I do ask her to sit in a chair and calm down before coming back to talk with me. Most of the time, though, we talk things through and I explain why I am upset or frustrated with her behavior and I ask her how she could make a better choice next time. It works pretty well for us. The biggest AHA! I had lately, though, is that for your children to really learn the importance of apologizing, you need to apologize to them when appropriate. Not long ago, I lost my temper with Ellen during crazy-after-work-dinner-hour. I raised my voice and I don't think she expected it and she sulked away to the couch and cried quietly. I felt, in a word, terrible. I sat down for a snuggle and really apologized to her and explained why I had acted that way. Made us both feel better.

My Daughter Went Away to Camp and Changed - I've been very nostalgic for my days at Summer Camp lately. This was a nice article about the importance of activities that belong solely to your children and the happiness that comes with that freedom.

We Need To Talk About Race and How Do You Talk To Kids About Race? - I think a lot of good points here. This is something I fumble through with Ellen in our very homogeneous community. I mostly remember a part of the Nurture Shock book that  talks about the "being blind to color" approach and how it doesn't really work. You need to talk with your children about race and not let them draw their own conclusions. Another area in which I feel ill-equipped to be raising a responsible human being, but I will try my hardest.

Raising Safe Swimmers and Here Comes the Sunscreen (gallery of pics of parents putting sunscreen on kids). Summer's over? How? When?

Well, if you have a kid who started back to school, check this out: Crayola Starts a new Recycling Program

This Morning I Yelled - I've linked to Dash and Bella before, good recipes, great writing

 Great Artist Mom - fun blog by a gal who developed an art program for elementary students. She has good ideas for encouraging artistic behavior, and practical tips on supplies, and nice videos here and there on drawing. A little advanced for Ellen, but she likes to watch me and then color in my drawings. One big take away that we use: "You are the artist of your own paper". I'm trying to get Ellen to not be such a perfectionist with her art ... wonder where she gets that?

Three Huge Mistakes We Make in Leading Kids - Again, I see this so many places, the importance of specific praise for children, not just platitudes.

A reminder to Get In The Picture With Your Kids! We just had our latest round of family pics with our favorite photographer. I wanted to document Georgia as she has changed so much from December, but also to have pictures of me with the girls. I spend most of my days with them, yet have little documentation of that.

I bet you do this anyway - narrate your day to your baby - but this reinforces the importance! The Power of Talking to Your Baby.

Nice series on Slate: How Babies Work - lots of interesting articles on babies, American vs. other, and some science behind infant development and such.

Summer schedule?

Guess I'm taking a not-planned, but clearly obvious break from this here blog. I find that the recovery from all things involving two small children takes, like, weeks. I wouldn't say we've been all that busy, but we were out of town for a long weekend, followed by a week of swimming lessons every evening, followed by a sick baby and, well, I know you get it. Harried is an understatement.

A couple of updates:

One, Ellen's bedtime had degenerated into a mess. Georgia is so easy these days, but Ellen's bedtime routine just required so.much.energy from both Erik and me at the time of day it was hardest to muster. So - new plan. We have two "tokens" (random pieces of wood I dug out of her treasure box and labeled 1 and 2). We do the regular brush teeth / potty / PJs / book / bed and try to move it along. She has 2 tokens to start the night. She can leave her room for "free" to potty as long as she gets back in bed by herself. If she needs to talk to me or Erik she can spend a token to do so, but only has 2 passes. If she keeps her tokens, though, in the morning she gets 1 or 2 stars on her ice cream chart. (I drew a picture of ice cream and filled it with little circles where the stars go). When her chart is full, ICE CREAM! I do randomly give her a star during the day if she does something especially good without prompting, but it's mostly a bedtime thing. I've also taken away stars for especially bad behavior. One time I was going to take away a star and forgot and I told her later she was lucky. "Well, too late now, Mom. HA HA!!" So, I then I erased one for sass. It has actually worked pretty well - we will see for how long. She did ask Erik to come up and scratch her back the other night - "It was worth a token, Dad."

Georgia was sicky, sick this week - same usual respiratory crap. Pro tip for the future: if you own a nebulizer machine and have the meds at home, take it all with you to the doctor's office visit. You can use all your own stuff and save yourself the $$ of getting it there. DUH. I'm sure we will be back ...

And, some stuff I've come across:
Good Guard, Bad Guard - how to know if your lifeguard is doing a good job. Ellen took swimming lessons for a full week and made great progress, but is still not swimming. She is almost LESS safe in the water because she feels confidant, but doesn't yet understand about quickly going into deep water and such. I was watching her and within seconds she took a few steps into the deeper end and was underwater and panicking and my friend had to jump in and pull her out. Not good times.

Similar to the emergency link last time, tips on packing a Go Bag. We haven't done this and, truthfully, I kind of glaze over when I think about it because it seems so monumental. I have a goal of becoming much more paper-less with our important things, which fits nicely with this. A high school acquaintance recently had a bad house fire, which makes all of this feel more important. And, makes me feel that Ellen really is old enough to start talking about this stuff. Again, glazing over ...

Some of my best friends are germs - really interesting article in the New York Times about the microbiome. Well, interesting for you science-y folk. Most fascinating part to me? There are compounds in breastmilk that babies can't digest, but they are specifically intended to nourish good bacteria in the baby's gut. Amazing.

Why Women Aren't Crazy - interesting article, with a take-away message of using caution in how you address your children, girls in particular. I find myself often telling Ellen - "you are so dramatic!" and over time, I think it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. I'm trying to be more aware of what I say to her or how I describe her actions.

Finally, there was a nice article in Parents magazine this month about encouraging kindness in your children - teaching it as a skill, just as you would responsibility and independence and such. For those of you who have time to read, it lists two interesting-sounding books: Raising Happiness: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents, and Becoming the Parent You Want to Be. It basically talks about listening to your kids - is their complaint about a tummy ache or hurt toe masking their desire for an extra snuggle or some special attention? Also, cultivating a culture of cooperation - helping your kids pick-up. Essentially, if there is a situation where you would normally like some help for yourself, do the same for your children. I must say that I'm probably not good at this - it would be kinder of me to offer to help Ellen at times, and then hope my example encouraged her to do the same for others. And, being kind to yourself - taking time to do nice things for yourself is part of taking care of your family.

So much ....

So much time, so little to do.

Wait, reverse that.

(Willy Wonka, anyone??)

Anywho, we gots a lot going on, just like, oh, everyone else I know.

I came across this post on my very favorite Dinner: A Love Story, which you must already be reading because I post about it all the time. Just in case, though ...
How to Nurture Talent (Without Being a Psycho Parent)

I would like to read this book (someday when I start reading again) and I must say that a quick skim of the article rang true to me about the "pay attention to what your kid stares at". Ellen participated in dance this summer - 1 hour and 20 minutes of tap, ballet and an art project. We dropped her off every Saturday morning for like 9 weeks and weren't allowed to watch, so I have no idea what transpired there. We would ask her how dance was, or to show us what she learned, and she never engaged. (The first rule of dance class is not to talk about dance class). She almost never talked about it outside of Saturday mornings, though did comment repeatedly on the art projects she brought home. I asked her if she wanted to continue for the rest of the year or if she would like to try something different ... she thought art class sounded better. :)

(We are not enrolled in art class, but that is a story for another time).

Also, to bastardize a quote I read (sleepily) last night in Parents Magazine, "behavior is the language that your child is most fluent in". Totally caught my eye and seems totally true to me. I am the parent of an EXTREMELY verbal child, but even still, I think most kids express their core desires / wants / needs in behaviors and I need to do a better job about reading into the meaning behind the whining. See a similar post here from Motherhood Uncensored about The Other Side.

The wisdom of Will Smith

Not sure how I feel about Will Smith in general, but came across this quote this week and thought it was pretty much spot-on (regarding their tween-age daughter shaving her head):

"We let Willow cut her hair. When you have a little girl, it's like how can you teach her that you're in control of her body? If I teach her that I'm in charge of whether or not she can touch her hair, she's going to replace me with some other man when she goes out in the world. She can't cut my hair but that's her hair. She has got to have command of her body. So when she goes out into the world, she's going out with a command that it is hers. She is used to making those decisions herself. We try to keep giving them those decisions until they can hold the full weight of their lives."

In the terribleness of all the Sandusky trial lately, I have been reading stories here and there about adults who had experiences with assault as children or young adults. Not an on-going abuse situation, but having an inappropriate experience with a friend's parent or a trusted adult or a bullying situation that went just a step too far. What was striking to me is how many people never told their parents for fear of ruining a family or friend relationship, or feeling like they could handle it on their own, even as a 12- or 16-year-old. It was very surprising to me and so sad. I think (hope) that every parent wants their child to feel like they can tell them anything, but how exactly do you teach that?

There is some commercial on TV right now with two teenage boys and one of them wrecks their car and says, "My dad is going to KILL me." There is such a fine line between instilling fear in your children and making them too fearful to tell you when something bad happens or is about to happen. I want my children to learn responsibility and good decision making and when things are fun and when fun borders on dangerous. I also want them to learn that there are SO, SO many things worse than upsetting your parents. Hair grows back, cars can be fixed, tattoos can be lasered off (right?). There are many other things not so easily fixed. I want them to know that we will listen first, hug first, help first - disappointment and discipline have a place, too, but those things can wait.

I accept your apology

Just a brief note to say we've entered a funny developmental stage - frequent / appropriate apologies.

Ellen clearly now understands the idea of an apology and can (mostly) apologize for the offending behavior. She is quick to apologize, even for things that I'm not upset about.

Now ... if we could just get her to avoid the offending behavior in the first place, we would really be onto something.

What to do now?

I'm not quite sure how to discipline my child now without the threat / promise of Santa and Nicholas the Elf.

So far, I've used painted toenails as a bribe ("tailnose" as Ellen calls them) ... I'll paint your toenails, but only if you sit still for 30 minutes after to let them dry.

"Ok, Mama. "

Oh, I get it

We had a rough week last week with Ells.

Fever for 4 days, no school all week, 3 days with grandparents (thank you!!) ... all this adds up to a girl that was whiny with a capital WHINE. Mostly just with me, of course, but it was/is maddening none the less.

My 'behavior modification' skills were seriously lacking ....

So, Monday begins - new week, new attitude?

At the end of the day, my mom asked me how the day went? It was surprisingly smooth - nothing special or different, but home all day. I did my thing and Ells did her thing, but we talked and spent time together and didn't run any errands or have to race anywhere (for the first time in 3 months)...

Oh - best behavior in 10+ days? I get it, thanks.

Desperation, thy name is tired Mommy

I think I've alluded to the fact that our daughter has become a grade-A terrible sleeper. If I'm being objective, which is really hard, I think it was a cumulative effect of moving + busy parents + lapsing into bad habits + being 2 1/2 years old.

Nonetheless, we have slowly found ourselves in a situation where she naps maybe once or twice a week on the days she is home, stalls stalls stalls and goes to bed late, and continues to get up early. I used to be shocked when she DIDN'T nap, and now it was the exact opposite. I thought she was really going to give up her nap and I was preparing myself for a future of "quiet time".

I talked with our Parents as Teachers educator and she confirmed my feelings that Ellen really wasn't getting enough sleep. I think kids her age need like 11-13 hours of sleep total per day, and a few days a week she was getting maybe 9. Kids get sleep deprived very fast - within probably 2 days - and we were seeing the results of that. Boy howdy.

We have been pretty lucky with the tantrum situation - lots of sass and back talk and pouting - but generally we can redirect without much issue. Last week, the terrible sleep situation resulted in a crazy child at bedtime that appeared almost possessed - shaking with anger, hitting, throwing things - it was awful. And sad. I think she felt out of control and we felt out of control without knowing how to fix it.

So, back to the books for Mama. I pulled out our Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child book looking for ANY solution. I really wasn't even focused on naps, but needed to get her bedtime situation fixed. Thank you, page 325, and your Sleep Rules!

You can read the basics on Sleep Rules and Silent Return here.

This is actually very similar to the plan we used for potty training, though there is a consequence for not following the rules. Ellen responded SO well to the potty training rewards that I had high hopes (to say the least).

Prep: I made a trip to Michaels for poster board and reward trinkets / stickers. I didn't want to reward with food and totally lucked out by hitting the super clearance section of summer goodies and school goodies. I got enough rewards to fill a big box for less than $20 (art projects, chalk, bubbles, stickers, school supplies, notebooks ...). I also got some Disney princess stickers which have been a HUGE hit. We don't do much princess talk at our house, but I think they do at school and Ellen has been chatting about her princess friends. (In fact, she yelled about wanting Ariel for a long time during the tantrum from hell).

I happily talked up a group art project when Ellen saw me come home with bags of goodies. She helped me draw the 'Ellen's Sleep Rules' poster and decorated it herself. We talked through the rules and the prizes and consequences. (Follow the rules = sticker on poster, prize from box. Don't follow the rules = no sticker, no prize, no TV/iPad.)

Night #1: Bed prep as usual (books, jammies, brush teeth, into bed). I was tempted to add all these steps to the poster, but refrained. We picked a place for the poster in her room so she can see it and we talked about which princess sticker she would like to put on the poster in the morning. She repeated the rules for us and was in bed at 7:30pm, quiet by 7:35pm. This was a no-nap day, but still was the earliest she has been in bed and been quiet in FOREVER. She didn't wake at all during the night, and woke up at 6:38am, after the cow was dancing. Hallelujah!!

Nap #1: I was hopeful, yet doubtful, about how this would work for naps. We followed the exact same steps - in bed for nap about 1:45pm, up to go potty, lots of chatting in her bed, then eventually quiet at 2:45pm. I did have to go up a few times and to help her to potty, but never talked to her. I woke her at 4:30pm because I didn't want her to sleep too late, poured on the praise, and rewarded her.

She was generally a delightful child all afternoon, which is frankly a change from our recent experiences. So nice!

Night #2: I knew she wouldn't be tired for our ideal bedtime of 7:30-8:00, but she was in bed by a little after 8:00 and probably quiet by 8:35pm. Again, a huge improvement.

As an aside, this is part of the problem. When she naps, she tends to fall asleep around 2ish and would sleep until 430 or so. This clearly is too late to then be tired enough for bedtime. The solution is either to have her nap earlier, which is really a challenge, or to skip nap and do an earlier bedtime. I honestly think we are heading in that direction sooner rather than later - quiet time instead of nap, but it might make for a much more pleasant evening.

Nap #2: So-so. She did nap, but it probably took her an hour of talking before she fell asleep. I can't remember if she woke on her own or if we woke her, but she did sleep and was rewarded.

Night #3: She went to be really late, about 9:00pm, because we had dinner with friends, but she went right down and slept all night. She did wake up about 6:15am hollering, so I went in and told her she needed to be quiet until her cow was dancing. She didn't go back to sleep, but did get quiet until about 6:32am and then I went to get her and she got her rewards.

Nap #3: Best nap yet! She was probably kind of tired from a shorter night of sleep than usual, so she was in bed at about 1:30pm and asleep by 1:50pm. She slept almost 2 hours and was a pretty happy camper the rest of the day!

Night #4: Didn't go down as well as the previous nights. Along with the rest of the changes, I took all the crap out of her bed crib (probably 17 things) and make her choose only 2 items (dolls / loveys) and she gets a blanket for covers. We had to exchange some of the items back and forth, then she had to potty, but she was asleep within about 30 minutes of getting in bed.

All in all, I'm totally happy with how this has worked. I made a lot of changes all at once, which my behavioral analyst friend would not agree with, but I NEEDED things to get better. Whadda you know? They did. :)

In the book, Mark Weissbluth talks a bit about the difference between rewards and bribes, as well as the role of consequences. You can read it for yourself, but basically he says it is fine and it works. Also, that your love and kisses are not enough to change the behavior of a strong-willed toddler, so you may need back-up.

His idea is basically that your child will eventually become so proud of themselves that the rewards will kind of phase themselves out. This is exactly what happened with potty training for us, so I'm hopeful this will be the same. I have made a point to talk about how proud of Ellen I am to her, as well as our family and friends, and she gets a big smile on her face.

Awwww, still love that girl. :)

Free! Parenting Classes!

What, you don't need them?

I do.

From our friends at Rookie Moms -

Webinar classes next Tuesday, August 30th, at 2pm and 9pm eastern time.

I'll see if I can tie my child up because she won't be napping or sleeping and maybe I can attend. (See? I need them.)

A jellybean?

Ellen asks for a jellybean ....

What for? I say

"For the manners"

What manners?

"Please and thank you"

Well, it's a start, I guess.

I saved this article from Parents magazine this Spring on "25 Manners Every Kid Needs by Age 9" - I think I have some work to do.

(not?) A bunch of hooey

I mentioned that I attended a discipline class a week or so ago, based on the books of Dr. Becky Bailey and her Conscious Discipline workshops.

I was really looking for a time-out solution, as ours was hardly doing the trick. I had been working with a modified version of the Love and Logic Uh-Oh song, but hadn't been very consistent. We had a time-out corner, but I had to stand there with Ellen to try (try being the operative word) to keep her there for even 30 seconds. The Love and Logic guys say that standing in the corner (or going to your room, or whatever ...) should be punishment enough and you don't need to demand an apology or explain what your child did - they are smart enough to figure it out on their own. For older kids I agree with a lot of this, but the translation to toddlers is much more challenging. And, in the end, it never seemed to solve our issues.

So, fast forward to "The Safe Place". I'll admit that when I heard this in class I thought it sounded ridiculous, like a bunch of granola-flowerchild-parenting. Here is my brief explanation of what they taught us - I'm sure the books go into much more detail. The idea is that "Time Out" is replaced by "Safe Place". Kids between the ages of 15 months and 4 years are primarily in an "emotional state" and their primary concern is, Am I Loved? They are very egocentric at this age (yep, that sounds about right). So, by sending your child away for time out, you are contributing to the problem because they just want to be with you.

The Safe Place can be a favorite chair, or an item (doll / lovey), or even a parent. It can be in the room you are in, or close to it, just so the child isn't isolated. If Sally takes a toy from Suzie and hits her, then you can take Sally to the Safe Place, sit with her and help her talk through her emotions. "I can see that you were frustrated when Suzie took your toy, so you hit her. Let's sit in this safe place until you feel better." And when the child calms down, you can practice what you would change next time. A hug and a kiss, then back to playing. Eventually, the idea is that the child would just go to their Safe Place when they are feeling out of control and would re-join the group when they are feeling better.

Hooey, right?

So, the day after class, I found Ellen in the midst of some kind of meltdown. I just grabbed her, sat with her in a chair, and hugged her tight in a bear hug (to keep her from hitting me and biting me - where is my safe place?). I talked her through whatever the issue was, she calmed down, we hugged it out and she was fine - issue resolved. I was pretty impressed, actually. I used it several more times and felt it was a pretty successful technique.

HOWEVER.

I am pretty much the Safe Place at this point. If I am the object of her anger (which, let's face it, is often the case), she really doesn't want to be confined in a bear hug in a chair. We've got some kinks to work out, but I think it is always helpful to add some more tools to your discipline tool belt.

And, it has been pretty cute to hear Ellen say, "I upset. I have tears on my face. Hug?"

Positive Parenting

I went to another discipline class tonight put on by my local Parents as Teachers organization. My mom was nice enough to sit with Ells and she asked how the class was ... Well, unless they are going to come to your house and discipline your kid, I guess it isn't all that helpful. :)

I have been feeling the need for a refresher on my approach to discipline. I really liked the Love and Logic classes I took last spring, but our issues now are so different. The class tonight was similar, but based on Dr. Becky Bailey's Conscious Discipline books and workshop.

I took away a few good nuggets of info, along with a lot of good reminders of things I already knew I should do. There was a new approach to time out that I need to wrap my head around, but overall I feel like I will just try harder to approach things positively and with an even temper. There was a Q&A session at the end, and I also felt lucky that we don't have a lot of the issues that other parents are dealing with!

My favorite reminder of the night was about genuine encounters. Connection with your child breeds cooperation - make eye contact and touch/hug/cuddle in a playful way. Only 5 minutes a day of focused play with your child will decrease your power struggles by 50%. Intuitive? Yes. BUT - so easy to miss this opportunity on crazy work days.

While we're at it - how are you approaching time out? (And, more importantly, does it seem to work?)

They call her Houdini

Well, it happened.

We had the first experience of diaper-taken-off-in-the-crib. Three times. Last night.

I knew it was coming ... Ells just learned to take her pants off, which she finds endlessly entertaining. She took her diaper off in the living room one night last week while we were cooking dinner. I tried to respond appropriately without inciting her to do it again ... and it seemed to work ... well .... until last night.

The little Miss is a pretty short thing, so the only PJ's that fit her are pants and tops (currently 18-24 months and she is 26 months). We have found her in the morning a few times with no pants on, but the diaper has stayed intact.

Our bedtime routine lately has been super aggravating with lots of ups and downs and back and forths (a topic for another time), so it wasn't anything new to hear her chatting in bed far past her bedtime. I went up to tell her to be quiet and saw a white fluffy thing on the floor. I didn't recall a blanket in her bed that looked like that, then quickly realized what it was. I turned on the light and the sweet little thing was sitting naked in her crib with a sheepish, yet proud, look on her face. Hoping it was a one-time event, I calmly admonished her, re-diapered and re-dressed her, and put her back in bed.

Ten minutes later ... Mommy, mommy, mommy! ... the wet sheets must have done her in this time, as yet again the diaper was on the floor and she had peed in her bed. It is quite the challenge to respond appropriately in this situation - you want to get the point across that it is NOT ok, yet don't want to start a game. Thank goodness we had one pair of footie PJ's in her drawer - they are 2 pieces that snap together at the waist. I thought we had fooled her for sure, and she seem exhausted, so I assumed we were done.

Five minutes later ... I go to check on the noise in her room and find a half-nakey girl in her crib, arm out of her shirt (Flashdance-style) and diaper #3 on the floor. You have to be freaking kidding. Who knew she could do snaps? And, snaps in the back no less? (Congrats on the fine motor skills, little gal). The look on her face was just priceless, almost like, why do my pants keep coming off? She seemed kind of bewildered at the whole thing. :) I couldn't stop laughing, nor could Daddy-O, though we tried to shield our faces as best we could.

Our last attempt seemed to work fine - all the de-pantsing must have worn her out - and she was soon fast asleep. I am off to Old Navy today to get zip up PJ's that we will turn backwards, I guess.

Counting my blessings that 3 diapers off = only 1 set of wet sheets. Hallelujah.

"Strong willed" is saying it nicely

Oh yeah, another tidbit from that blocks class I mentioned.

Girly was a nightmare.

Not a nightmare of the Freddy Krueger variety, but certainly a nightmare on her spectrum of "sweetest/nicest to oh-my-god-who-are-you-and-what-have-you-done-with-my-kid."

I picked her up from school, came prepared with snacks, and thought she would really enjoy something different. There were about 20 kids between 8 months and 3 years and she was, by far, the most disruptive in the room. Granted, a room full of 20 small tykes and lots of blocks will already be disrupted, but she didn't do anything to help the situation. All of the teachers and parents were understanding of course, but I was caught off-guard by her behavior and challenged to respond appropriately in the moment. We got our first "wow, she is busy" comment, and not really in a nice way. We left 25 minutes into the 90 minute class.

What happened to my sweet girl who sat quietly and observed? Oh yeah, TWO happened.

I know this is par for the course (it is, right?), but I will say that it isn't much fun.

It also taught me an important lesson ... this event was for Girly and I thought she would have fun. She didn't and made that abundantly clear to me. I need to be flexible enough to change plans when the situation isn't working for us. From a Love and Logic perspective, I also feel that if I can learn to respond - calmly - in the moment, and validate Girly's feelings, she will eventually act out less. And, in those situations where we can't be flexible, she will eventually be more willing to comply because she knows that I listen to what she is telling me.

I think that's how it might work, anyway - but what do I know? Wishful thinking, I tell you ...

Remove the offender

We spent most of our weekend locked in a battle of wills over picking up.

Girly has reached the age where she is certainly capable of picking up her toys. She used to do it with pleasure, but as 2 approaches, she uses it as a stall tactic or to annoy her mother. She spent a lot of time in the time-out corner, then finally asked to spend time there. She willfully pushed her toys or magnets or noodles into a pile, as if she was going to pick them up, then kicked them all over the place. Exasperating, FOR SURE, and did not bring out the best in me.

I am trying to work hard on curtailing the whining - by ignoring her - but there are only so many things I can ignore and only so many threats I can issue. (I try very hard to 'threaten' with only the things I am willing to follow-through on. So, "if you ever want to eat again you better pick up!" is not a very good threat.)

I finally realized the problem - I need to remove the offending item. There are certain items in our house that are guaranteed triggers of bad behavior (like alcohol for alcoholics and drugs for crackheads - she is addicted to mess). She used to love to pour noodles from bowl to bowl - now they are shrapnel in our kitchen. She loved to play with magnets on the refrigerator - I saved all the sports schedules that came in the mail - and now she yields them as swords. Little General Custer and I had our Last Stand over the linoleum floor many a time this weekend.

No more.

You won't pick up your noodles after countless time-outs and threats? Fine. I'll sweep them up and throw them away.

You won't pick up your magnets without collapsing to the floor in melodramatic fashion? Fine. I'll throw them away.

It won't work for everything ... the Love and Logic folks say not to threaten to throw away toys unless you are really willing to throw them away forever ... but it will help limit the battles, I think.

Or, if I'm really honest with myself, the battle will just move to another item. Items.

Sigh ...

Yes or No?

I followed the Chronicles of a Babywise Mom blog pretty closely when Girly was a bitty babe - very helpful to me with all of the sleeping, eating, sleeping and sleeping some more. I haven't read any of the Babywise books after the newborn one, so I don't read her as closely anymore, but I do check in from time to time.

I thought this post was a good cosmic reminder for me to LOOSEN UP!!

Yes When You Can, No When You Must

Choices, choices

I highly recommend that you read a book or take a class on discipline if you haven't yet.

Just sayin' that you might need it sometime soon. REAL SOON.

I previously mentioned the Love and Logic classes I took here, here and here. Girly was just about 15 months at the time, so we really weren't having any significant discipline issues, but I wanted to have some tools to fall back on. And, yes, the tools are unwrapped and in use.

I need to sit down and review the fine details, but it is really nice to have an idea about how to respond in the moment without feeling (more) flustered. We are still pretty successful with re-directing and changing the subject, but there are an increasing number of behaviors that need to be firmly addressed.

Say, for example, on our walk the other day. Girly likes to navigate - "this way! that way!" - and I turned a corner without her consent and - WHOA - watch out. She roared her terrible roar and gnashed her terrible teeth (Where The Wild Thing Are, anyone?) for the entire next block. She has this determined version of NO!!, in which she shouts/shrieks NO!, turns red and stiffens her body. It actually takes most of my restraint not to bust out laughing at her. The straps of her stroller could barely contain her and the poor lady sweeping her driveway sweetly said, "what's the matter?"

Never you mind, lady, just out for a stroll with a wild coyote. That's all.

So ... since we were nowhere close to home and I was tiring of the screaming, oh the incessant screaming, I turned to CHOICES. Magic, I tell you!

I have been trying to institute a lot of choices in our house - black plum or red plum? purple cup or yellow cup? left shoe or right shoe? Anything and everything, but they generally haven't been in the midst of a meltdown. We got to the end of the block and I let Girly choose - which way? Straight or left? She picked, she calmed down, and I patted myself on the back. I let her choose again at our next junction and she was perfectly calm. You obviously can't do this forever, or you would end up in China, but the beauty is this: when we reached the corner where we had to turn left to head toward home I just warned her and said, "Mommy's going to choose this time. Let's go left!" I was enthusiastic, she went with it, and then I almost fell over in shock because there wasn't any screaming!

It won't always work, of course, but I was sure glad I had invested some time a few months earlier. Saved my bacon (and my sanity)!

Welcome to B.B.C.

No, not the British Broadcasting Corporation. Our Girly has been enrolled in Behavior Boot Camp this week!

I took the week off work to stay home with her as she recovered from the fluke-y illness. Though she is still yellowish, her personality has mostly returned. For the better, and for the worse.

Our girl is truly mostly a delight - reasonably even-tempered and very well behaved for a child her age. She is content to play independently and she has lately been totally fascinated with moving little bits of things (crayons, noodles, balls) all over the house. The loveliness of a little girl, I tell you!

That being said, the NO!! has returned with full-force. It was almost a month ago that this bug entered our lives and Girly started to act, not exactly sick, but certainly not like herself. She ate and drank less and less, to the point where she would have part of a banana and a few ounces of milk. All Day. In an effort to get some calories in, I offered anything and everything that I thought she would eat or drink and I catered to her every whim. Popsicles? Two flavors? Sure!

Now, though, I can see her appetite is back and she is just expressing opinions about what she prefers (to put it nicely). We are back to offering a reasonable meal or snack, milk only when sitting at the table, and she can take it or leave it. After a bit of leaving it, she is now taking it. :)

She was also EXTRA cuddly, which I have to admit was super sweet. "Mama Huggie", "Mama Carry" ... awww .... okay. She would curl up on my shoulder every night and refuse books, just wanting to snuggle. I felt badly that she was sick, but I squeezed in every squeeze I could because I knew it wouldn't last forever.

Now, though, if Girly doesn't want to do something (like walk up the stairs or walk at the zoo), it's "Mama Carry". If I tell her No, she plops down dramatically and cries, and then puts her arms out - "Mama Huggie!". Cute, but No.

Just reinforces the fact that discipline and consistency will take you a long way in this parenting gig. Fortunately, she still responds pretty quickly to a little adjusting at this age. Don't you wish everyone was that way?

Let them decide

I feel really lucky that Girly is a good eater. I know that isn't the case for every child and it has made mealtime a relatively simple and peaceful process at our house. Especially now that she seems to be eating ALL the time (3 meals and 3 snacks!), I appreciate not having a battle.

Girly was really an exceptional eater as a baby - ate virtually any fruit or vegetable or grain I put in front of her. She is expressing her opinion much more now that she is a toddler, which is totally expected and age-appropriate. With that, though, needs to come some vigilance on my part to make sure mealtime remains happy.

Right after we started solids, my Parents as Teachers educator suggested a good resource, which I previously mentioned here. Ellyn Satter proposes the benefits of a division of responsibility when it comes to feeding: The parent is responsible for what, when, and where and the child is responsible for whether and how much. I was recently telling a friend about this website and it was a timely reminder for us, as well.

I can usually anticipate what Girly will eat for her meals and, while she LOVES fruit, she will generally eat some veggies as well. If she turns up her nose at something on her plate, I need to remember not to get her something else just to make her happy. If I prepared a reasonable meal and she doesn't want to eat it, that is OK, but she doesn't get something else. Back to that old, start as you mean to go. In the future, I refuse to be the parent that makes entirely different meals for the children than the adults. I will take a child's preference into account while planning a meal, but I do not want to have a household where everyone eats something different for dinner.

If you are facing some battles at your house, or if you want to read up a little more on the subject, here is another good blog that my friend sourced out: Family Feeding Dynamics.

Another habit (bad habit?) that I've encouraged is offering Girly a bite of whatever I am eating. I will give her a bite of anything she asks for because I don't want her to think there are certain foods that are off limits. I've been surprised at things she likes (tuna salad, lemons, pickles) and things she doesn't like (pasta or some sweets). The begging isn't so appealing, but when she asks so nicely ("moe kacka peas mommy"), how can I resist?

Love and Logic: Wrapping it up

I finished the 4th class this week, so I pretty much know everything there is to know about disciplining toddlers.

Oh, wait.

That's not how it works.

I'm pretty sure I just have a few new tools in my toolbox and now I have to start implementing them in my own home. OH SO HARD.

Anyway - here are some of the highlights of the rest of the class:

All people, children and adults, crave control. (And I probably crave it more than most). When kids feel powerless, they act out. The more control you can give your child, the fewer power struggles you will have. So, get in the habit of giving them LOTS of choices. All the time. Obviously, only give options that you like. Give the choices before they start to resist. If you do it after, you are rewarding their resistant behavior. If they don't choose in 10 seconds, you choose for them (and even choose the thing you think they like less to encourage them to choose promptly next time). And, on those occasions where they can't choose, you can say "You got to make a lot of decisions today. This time it is my turn. Thanks for understanding."

They also talked about an interesting idea to avoid bedtime drama. I think it is aimed more at school-age children, but they say to call it 'bedroom time' and not 'bed time'. Your child has to be in their bedroom at a certain time. As long as the parents don't see or hear the child, they can do whatever they want in their room and go to sleep whenever they want. The kicker, though, is that they have to get up at the established time - 6:30am or whatever you choose to start your day. After just a night or two of staying up super late, they will figure out sleeping on their own.

You should model things you want your child to do with great joy! Eat your vegetables, brush your teeth, clean your room ... whatever. You don't specifically draw their attention to what you are doing, but let them see how happy it makes you. You can also 'narrate' the activity: "It feels so good to pick up toys because then the house is clean!"

We didn't talk much about potty training because most of the parents had little kids, but there were a few nuggets I thought I should tuck away. These aren't necessarily Love and Logic, but advice from our instructors. One, potty training shouldn't be stressful. If it is, you started too early. Give it a break and try it again. Two, more harm is done from potty training too early than waiting. And three, when your child indicates to you that they are ready, have a grandparent or aunt/uncle or friend call the child and say, "I hear you are going to be sitting on the potty. Good for you! I wanted to let you know that sometimes you might not make it to the potty and you might have an accident. It's OK. That is part of how you learn to be a big kid." (or something along those lines). The idea is that the parents are usually so excited and super positive around their child when talking about the potty, that the first time the child has an accident they might be traumatized or feel like they let you down. This way, they know it isn't a big deal.

These guys are big on enforceable statements ... using "I will" statements instead of "You will" statements. Like, instead of saying "You will clean up your room right now!", you can say "I take kids to the park who clean their rooms".
- I help children who aren't whining
- I will listen when your words sound like mine
- I will be leaving in 5 minutes. Will you be wearing your clothes or carrying them in a bag?
- I do things for kids who say please and thank you

It takes a little mind shift to address your kids in this way, but the power lies in the fact that you are eliminating the opportunity for a power struggle. Because you are describing your own actions / behavior, you call the shots.

If you live in the Kansas City area, there is a Love and Logic parenting class at Shawnee Mission Medical Center that starts April 11th - you can get info through their website.

So, how about, "I will get cookies for moms who complete parenting classes?"

Done and done.